While a man was golfing in Fife
a funeral cortege was arife,
his head bowed in prayer
at this somber affair
to pay last respects to his wife!
A sex mad codger named Bill
Swallowed a Viagra pill
His todger did rise -
You should see the size
It sure gave his wife a thrill
17th Feb 2015
There was a miserable husband of McNigh
Who had a tendency to frequently cry.
His wife filed for divorce
Causing him no remorse.
Now he’s happy as a drunk drinking rye.
In flagranti with an unknown lover
Sprang apart from underneath the cover
How his wife she did shout
Now his secret was out -
His hidden lover was her own mother!
4th March 2015
My plumber is here to sort my pipes.
Says he has divorced his wife.
He just showed me his hose.
Then proceeded to propose.
I admit I got the fright of my life.
A politician called Ronald Dump
Loves to pat pretty girls on the rump
At a peachy pert tush
All his brains turn to mush
His wife floors him – you should see the lump!
Fictional write for fun
7th June 2016
I lost my wife among the masses
She said I was blind and needed glasses
I searched the inbetweens
Remembered I fed her beans
Then closed my eyes and followed the gasses
Her mom has a wart on her face that grows
How that thing got there nobody knows
I looked to my wife and said
"Poke it, I think that its dead"
She said, "Stop it!, that thing is her nose"
The young pickler's wife was quite fickle,
one day warm then a cold icicle.
But now she's amorous,
dressed up quite glamorous.
She's tickled the young pickler's pickle!
My wife and I lived happily for twenty years
Then we met!!! Ever since I've been in arrears
Oh for the good old days
Enjoyed my “being right” phase
Ever since I've become dead between the ears
I had an affair with a maid
Accustomed to doing as bade
Now she is with child
The wife has gone wild,
"Thats not how a maid should be paid!"
Men measure life by the number of beers
Women measure life by the flow of tears
It is when the dad farts
His wife moans in her heart
Because her own children laugh and cheer
Edward J Ebbs - October 11, 2011
There was a man named Fred
Who liked eating baked beans in bed
One day when he farted
He and his wife parted
'Well it's quicker than divorce' Said Fred.
T’was her ninth month and early summer,
My wife said she’d heard nothing dumber,
After she had spoken,
Her water had broken...
And me ringing up for a plumber.
Though her reign has had rarely a flaw,
England’s queen once or twice dropped her jaw.
She’s enjoyed a long life
As both mother and wife.
Not so much as a mother-in-law!
For the Long Live the Queen Contest of Judy Konos
There was once a man from Thomaston
He called his wife honey bun
His knee joint went out
In pain he did shout
Viagra's no longer number one
Nutcracker ballet tickets for fun
Elegantly floating on air and sun
A great fall off the wall
Wife has a vice tis strife
Nutcracker career, hubby done!
A cockney from over the water
Had a wife and a tasty young daughter
They would lead him a dance
And he stood not a chance
Cos they both never did what they oughta
My wife she says that at housework I suck,
she yelled "pick up a broom you idle schmuck!"
But babe, cleanin and dustin
curbs my drinkin and lustin,
but she said "no dustin, no lustin!"...WTF!
There once was a woman named Shar,
Who went to her local State Fair,
Her husband came too,
Can't say no to you,
And they were quickly thrown out of there
I feel terribly sorry for Rodger
He developed a kink in his todger
It looked such a sight
when bent to the right
that his poor wife ran off with the lodger!
Submitted to Any poem (not for contest)
Sponsored by Broken Wings
1st January 2016
I can't hear, said the man to his wife
Did you say, that you're holding a knife?!
with her hands hid behind
a smile not truly kind
Lunging forward he sprang for his life!
Submission for poetry contest: Spring Forward (Limerick)
There was an old geezer from Pippin
who wanted to go skinny dippin'.
He gave his wife whisky;
they got bare and and frisky.
Then into the pond both went slippin'.
April 9, 2018, entered in Viv Wigley's Traditional Limerick Contest
Scattered beautifully on our bed are roses
But it's the one that I like that poses
For it attracts in me
My mind and body agrees
Lay down whilst this Highlander proposes
In the spring, Sammy loves planting trees.
With his son, he flies kites in the breeze.
But his favorite thing
Is at night performing
With his wife like the birds and the bees!
For the Spring Forward Poetry Contest of Debbie Guzzi