While a man was golfing in Fife
a funeral cortege was arife,
his head bowed in prayer
at this somber affair
to pay last respects to his wife!
A sex mad codger named Bill
Swallowed a Viagra pill
His todger did rise -
You should see the size
It sure gave his wife a thrill
17th Feb 2015
In flagranti with an unknown lover
Sprang apart from underneath the cover
How his wife she did shout
Now his secret was out -
His hidden lover was her own mother!
4th March 2015
There was a miserable husband of McNigh
Who had a tendency to frequently cry.
His wife filed for divorce
Causing him no remorse.
Now he’s happy as a drunk drinking rye.
My plumber is here to sort my pipes.
Says he has divorced his wife.
He just showed me his hose.
Then proceeded to propose.
I admit I got the fright of my life.
A politician called Ronald Dump
Loves to pat pretty girls on the rump
At a peachy pert tush
All his brains turn to mush
His wife floors him – you should see the lump!
Fictional write for fun
7th June 2016
I lost my wife among the masses
She said I was blind and needed glasses
I searched the inbetweens
Remembered I fed her beans
Then closed my eyes and followed the gasses
The young pickler's wife was quite fickle,
one day warm then a cold icicle.
But now she's amorous,
dressed up quite glamorous.
She's tickled the young pickler's pickle!
Her mom has a wart on her face that grows
How that thing got there nobody knows
I looked to my wife and said
"Poke it, I think that its dead"
She said, "Stop it!, that thing is her nose"
Said Seamus to his wife, with a wink
Since I cannae go out for a drink
I'm sure me and you
Can find something to do
Let me hug you, while both of us think
All I want is a Christmas lover
A present that is like no other
His wife gave permission
Under one condition
Just give Santa time to recover
November 19, 2019
Contest ~ Holiday Themed Limerick
Sponsor ~ Tania Kitchin
Count ~ 9, 9, 6, 6, 9
My wife and I lived happily for twenty years
Then we met!!! Ever since I've been in arrears
Oh for the good old days
Enjoyed my “being right” phase
Ever since I've become dead between the ears
My ex-wife thought I was being funny,
when I proposed again calling her honey.
All she had to say,
was ‘never; no way!’
She believed I’m just after my money.
Mister Johns was pretty fat for his height
He snarfed every piece of choc'late in sight
His wife the candy was hid
You know what MrJohns did?
He went out trick-or-treating like a kid
I had an affair with a maid
Accustomed to doing as bade
Now she is with child
The wife has gone wild,
"Thats not how a maid should be paid!"
The wife took a job that pays pretty fair
Combing out daylight from Trump's orange hair
Displaying his lust
Trump stares at her bust
Confirming an Ace can not beat a pair!
Care Every Where and Much To Spare
Christ has so much care to share;
All over earth and was everywhere,
And His love,
He sent to us with much to spare.
My wife said that I should change
my PoetrySoupNot sure how to
There was a man named Fred
Who liked eating baked beans in bed
One day when he farted
He and his wife parted
'Well it's quicker than divorce' Said Fred.
A cockney from over the water
Had a wife and a tasty young daughter
They would lead him a dance
And he stood not a chance
Cos they both never did what they oughta
Men measure life by the number of beers
Women measure life by the flow of tears
It is when the dad farts
His wife moans in her heart
Because her own children laugh and cheer
Edward J Ebbs - October 11, 2011
T’was her ninth month and early summer,
My wife said she’d heard nothing dumber,
After she had spoken,
Her water had broken...
And me ringing up for a plumber.
Nutcracker ballet tickets for fun
Elegantly floating on air and sun
A great fall off the wall
Wife has a vice tis strife
Nutcracker career, hubby done!
There was once a man from Thomaston
He called his wife honey bun
His knee joint went out
In pain he did shout
Viagra's no longer number one
Though her reign has had rarely a flaw,
England’s queen once or twice dropped her jaw.
She’s enjoyed a long life
As both mother and wife.
Not so much as a mother-in-law!
For the Long Live the Queen Contest of Judy Konos
My wife she says that at housework I suck,
she yelled "pick up a broom you idle schmuck!"
But babe, cleanin and dustin
crimps my drinkin and lustin,
but she said "no dustin, no lustin!"...WTF!