Tapped messages go out direct
With phones it's an easy connect
Thoughts from a finger
In cyberspace linger
But touching's too much to expect
Sue decided to send Jim a tweet
She used words that were quite indiscreet
Calling him a fat turd -
(Using another word)
Their romance has taken a back seat!
Some folk are prone to love affairs
For sex rewards the one who dares
They are hot to trot
Because they forgot
Miracles don't happen in pairs!
By the eerie light of a lamp
He made busy fondling a vamp
Who sat on his lap
To take a quick nap
when KA-BOOM her knickers went damp!
When God was a burning bush
He happened to see Eve's tush
Butt wise to his games
Eve peed on the flames
And disappeared in a whoosh!
Alas, it was the year of the scorned princess
when Diana did on Charles and Camilla dis!
But the Queen hid her dis-dain
yet through it all she did reign
and God saved her from her annus horribilis!
A lazy student known as Burt,
To parents and teachers was curt.
With little knowledge,
Flunked out of college;
Played stock market and lost his shirt!
Their well being covers every corner of his conscience
caring for them is his default so beyond science
even when he seems wicked
he’d not mind to go naked
for love in their life to have a high rate of prevalence.
Before the "I do" she must choose
A man that does well in dance shoes
His psyche gives a clue
When employing step two
Ply him to the limit with booze
LOVE and HATE it can often be said
in relationships, share the same bed
if you're really quite shrewd
you can work out her mood-
either lipstick or bruise on my head!
Bill And Monica - Limerick
There once was a girl called Monica
Bill played her like a harmonica
Placed cigars in her rear
News said that was queer
Both caught on surveillance electronica
Make sure you can manage the weight
Remember to keep the back straight
Then lift slow not quick
That should do the trick
You’ve just learned to pick up a date
My wife always says I’m the best
A feeling which brought me much zest
One night wild thoughts flew
In search of a clue
I wondered just who were the rest
A young robin my cat once befriended
Till one day the relationship ended
I came home to find
That my cat changed her mind
For from her mouth a feather extended
Sue had a new boyfriend called Billy
Who had a gargantuan willy
To Sue’s great delight
It stayed up all night …
And Sue was a game little filly!
FOR GIGGLE OF THE DAY CHALLENGE
Relationship was a big blow,
Evident was the lack of glow,
Just to try the skill,
New romance and thrill,
Surely increased the venous flow !
Bawdy limerick - 8/8/5/5/8
Written on 23/6/14
I wanted to tell you goodbye
But knew you would want to know why
When all said and done
You were lots of fun
But I'll wed when elephants fly!
A randy old codger called Pete
His actions were quite indiscreet
His passionate whirl
With a sexy girl
Brought the patter of tiny feet!
Her heart, mind and mood make up a tough agency
laughter and playfulness, all a contingency
we start with hello miss
her words, sweet to release
wanted result of a yes, not an urgency.
Oh doctor my wife won’t you see
I think she is cheating on me
Said doctor to fuss
Of course I’ll discuss
She’ll be with me just after three
Davy Jones was clearly immoral
When he ruled all sex must be oral
But one mermaid's tail
Excited a whale
And his fluke just shattered the coral!
The Captain's new wife was "true blue"
Whilst he stayed The Wives Club main screw
But rather than pout
When the Captain was out
She serviced his troops two by two
I recall your wife was brunette
And every male teacher's pet
I never knew why
She acted so shy
When she always left their lap wet?
Your mind speaks of me as a naïve lilly
you wear a fake swag, annoying and silly
your forwardness I hinder
little boy please surrender
maybe truly a man but with a willy.
My sister had a date with a plumber
He couldn't have been any dumber --
His lips weren't too wordy
His hands were quite dirty --
His plunger an absolute bummer
January 03, 2019
Entry in "Limericks" contest
Sponsor: Joseph May