Have I jealousy of my dear mate?
I don’t think I have any, but wait!
I sure wish I could pee
in the wood near a tree
like my husband does, standing up straight!
For Line Gauthier's Funny Limerick Contest
There was a miserable husband of McNigh
Who had a tendency to frequently cry.
His wife filed for divorce
Causing him no remorse.
Now he’s happy as a drunk drinking rye.
You perfected your lies to an art.
You succeeded in breaking my heart.
I shed not one tear,
for the hour is near,
when arsenic will keep us apart.
There once was a woman named Shar,
Who went to her local State Fair,
Her husband came too,
Can't say no to you,
And they were quickly thrown out of there
There was an old woman called Hattie
whose hubby's name for her was fattie.
So she cooked his goose
hung him from a noose
then buried him in a cow pattie!
A badgering wife caused her husband such grief,
Each time she did he ground his teeth,
Over the years his teeth become
Nothing but stumps upon his gum,
His friends all called her, 'the calcium thief.'
Scattered beautifully on our bed are roses
But it's the one that I like that poses
For it attracts in me
My mind and body agrees
Lay down whilst this Highlander proposes
I'm just about deaf because of me wife,
Her very loud voice has caused all the strife,
It always goes up an octave or two
When she thinks I've made an incredible blue,
Trouble is I've been making mistakes all of me life.
Self-employed and partner in life
He "hired" some other guy's wife
Making golfing balls
Now he has two holes
My new business ?...Surgical Knives...
for Carolyn Devonshire's "Horrible Bosses"
I wish I could be a fly on the wall,
When my poor old mother gets the phone call,
“He’s here at the bar
Quick bring us your car,
Your husband just got in a brawl”
That's a week the wife has been missing
For years I've so longed this hoping
Prepare for the worst the Police said
Panic thoughts in my head
The Charity shop was not my so wishing
The neighbors were running in fear
As into front room car did steer
What fate had approved
His words soon removed
Your parking’s improving my dear
I woke up in rapture, when she started to sing.
Naughty whispers in my ears, “Someone’s coming”
My ecstatic view;
A child is due!
Then she continues, “My mother’s visiting”
Come one come all my ex for sale
His underwear being sold in bale
Naked on the block
Glad he is defrock
His chest shows fear at the exsale
Limerick : Once a wife Nurse and husband Doctor
Once a wife Nurse and husband Doctor
Loved the meat served from Clinic larder
So they went in to see
Found morgue bodies for free
Since then stopped buying meat from butcher.
© TWignesan – Paris, 2013
There once was a student from Gilroy
Who wanted to marry a tomboy.
But his parents protested
Then had him arrested,
And forced him to join the Bolshoi.
I went a fishin in the neighborhood pond
Just when I cast it in I had to suddenly abscond
I didn’t think it was wrong
But the pond wore a thong
I was chased by the husband of Gertrude the blond
All night I dream of life without wife,
Peaceful and heavenly, without any strife
No scolding, no nagging,
Like ‘sake’ I’m having.
Alas! Its morning and gone my life.
The wife plans a spree to buy all
With husband on board at the mall
But as this takes place
He just looks for a space
To sit on a bench in the hall
“We can’t go on meeting like this
‘Cause my husband’s all in a hiss”
- I found out: She’s right.
- met her husband tonight
I think it’s my face I will miss.
A husband's mistake in the sack
His marriage might seem to attack
Maria got hurt
By one little squirt
And Arnold can't say "I'll be back"
There was a girl who spent too much shoppin’
The mean hubby said she best be stoppin’
So she started to mourn
But Rogue Rhymer was born
And now her checks are no longer hoppin’
A baby, pious, was born by aide
He named it Gaias, and felt like a jade
While he cried,
Cause mommy died.
His wife hired yet another maid
Once upon a time, thirty years ago,
In front of a priest I stood with my beau.
“Over time”, he hailed;
“The secret will be unveiled”,
“Of a truly happy marriage”; but I still don’t know.
Just out of college, we would yearn for a touch
Sleeping together cuddled on the couch
Those were the days!
Of pre-wedding bouquets
Now I am told to go sleep alone on the couch