Limerick Poems About Home | Home Limerick Poems
Poem Details | by Andrea Dietrich |
Categories: adventure, wife,

A Desperate Housewife - in limerick form

A desperate housewife I knew
had such mundane housework to do.
Being so tired of it,
she decided to quit.
Then off to Las Vegas she flew.

Having always been such a lithe girl,
she thought “I’ll give dancing a whirl!”
Her audition went well.
From a large oyster shell
She emerged, so they all dubbed her Pearl.

Her skin, soft and fair, shone like dew
as she smiled with eyes crystal blue.
All the men threw her money
as her voice, sweet as honey,
called out, “Let me entertain you!”

As Pearl danced each night, looking pretty,
Her husband, back in her home city,
was fit to be tied,
thinking maybe she’d died!
Poor fool didn’t have a clue, did he!

Unbeknownst to sweet Pearl, her “dear” spouse
had been sneaking off as she’d played house.
To conventions he’d said
he was goingInstead,
he’d been gambling in Vegas, that louse!

Off to strip clubs he’d gone every chance
that he gotHow he loved to see dance
naked women all sizes 
in sexy disguises
while his wife at home longed for romance.

Now the tables were very much turned.
And her husband was feeling quite spurned.
He would sleep restlessly
thinking where could she be!!
But her whereabouts he never learned.

No longer could he run away
on a whimHe still had bills to pay.
That cleaning and cooking
meant no time for looking
at girls! He had less time to play.

In Vegas, his wife had come far.
In fact, she was a superstar.
Wearing naught but a fan,
she’d entice every man,
then drive home in a pearl-colored car!

Her spouse lost his jobThe years fled.
His wife he then had declared dead.
But with no job in sight,
he’d stay home each night,
with loneliness causing him dread.

Do you think this guy ever has let
his conscience feel any regret
that his wife did so much
while he gambled and such?
Has he learned anything at all yet?

Did he marry and get a new bride?
Did Pearl go and change her sweet ride
to a sleek red Corvette,
and did SHE marry yet?
I leave it to YOU to decide!


Written June 2016 for the Desperate Housewife Contest of PD


Poem Details | by JAN ALLISON |
Categories: body, humorous,

HEAVENLY BODY - LIMERICK COLLABORATION - BAWDY

A nubile young vicar named Jude Was seen swimming, totally nude The bishop said WOW Just look at you now Your assets - they need to be viewed! Fiction write! 07-05-17 Invited him home for a drink A toast as their glasses did clink Robes down on the floor Performing a chore... How far will this story now sink. WRITTEN BY TIM SMITH The vicar bent over to pray The bishop could not look away So for his protection Took up a collection A robe now conceals his display WRITTEN BY CHRIS GREEN I think this story about being nude will sink low I will tell on those guys, all I know Those two men are not holy The bishop's roly-poly And the vicar used to be in a nude girly show WRITTEN BY LIN LANE The bishop was feeling romantic The vicar thought the man pedantic When the vicar turned around To give the bishop a frown The bishop gasped, "Lord, you're gigantic!" WRITTEN DALE GREGORY COZART Said Jude, will we both go to hell- Said bishop, you never can tell But please will you turn I've got carpet burn And my knees are beginning to swell WRITTEN BY GARY SMITH As the bishop continued to stare He thought such a body's not fair To see the nude vicar was hard on his ticker and soon he had to change underwear WRITTEN BY ROGER ADAMS Mother Teresa told me so In the heaven we’ll dance too slow If you want to come Bring us some Rum Otherwise you may stop and go WRITTEN BY PASHANG SALEHI btw..What would the Pontiff say? Would there be hell to pay? Or would the Pope just drop the soap and hope he'd be invited to play WRITTEN BY LIM'RIK FLATS When suddenly a knock at the door they decided they'd rather ignore in walked the pope, joined in the group grope next day they were all saddle sore WRITTEN BY DANIEL TURNER The pope thought it not at all freakly when asking the other men meekly that if they were game and would do the same they could set up appointments weekly WRITTEN BY DALE GREGORY COZART Jude's assets developed so well As the bishop could obviously tell But you might be surprised How it grew to that size Well, he used it to ring the church bell WRITTEN BY RAY GRIDLEY 07-06-17


Poem Details | by JAN ALLISON |
Categories: dance, humorous, insect, romance,

DON'T BUG ME

Tom went to the ugly bug ball Strange insects invaded the hall Folks dressed up as fleas, Cockroaches and bees The smile on his face said it all Tom hoped for a little romance Asked a cute centipede to dance She whacked him on the nose When he trod on her toes He went home in an ambulance! 7th April 2017


Poem Details | by Lycia Harding |
Categories: car, encouraging, fun, journey,

Jan's Sonnet Sedan - Tribute Limerick

When an Ode Operator named Jan
hits the road in her Sonnet sedan,
she keeps Lines in their lanes
riding Rhyme's rough terrains
and drives home every Poe'm that she can



************************
This limerick was written 
for my Soup buddy Jan Allison
Thank you for your playful 
input and positive support - 
you are appreciated! xoxo


Poem Details | by JAN ALLISON |
Categories: fantasy, kids, humorous, irony,

THE TRAINEE BOOGEYMAN

This boogeyman was scared of the dark But tried frightening kids in the park When dusk started to fall For his mummy he’d call He'd go dashing home quick as a lark Young children thought it was great fun Seeing the poor boogeyman run They’d leap out from a bush Make him fall on his tush For he didn’t scare anyone So the boogeyman joined in a class His assessments he quickly did pass He leaps from dustbin lids Now he’s scaring the kids This transition he cannot surpass Contest Boogeyman sponsored by Nayda Ivette Negron 05~24~16


Poem Details | by Carolyn Devonshire |
Categories: funny, lost love, me,

Crumb on my Pie Chart

Abusive soul who tormented my heart
I didn’t wait for us to drift apart
     I found inner strength at last
     So don’t look at me aghast
You’re merely a crumb on my heart’s pie chart

A defumigator removed your scent
Into the trash all your hunting boots went
     And those ghastly deer “trophies”
     Ablaze with your spoiled green cheese
Your firearms too in the bonfire were sent

Valentine, let me give it to you straight
Goodwill came by for the very last crate
     Maker’s Mark* for the homeless
     Now that’s ironic justice
Hope your new home in the tent is just great

You wrecked my car and destroyed my credit
So you got off easy from where I sit
     Not that you had much to lose
     Just hair, weight, someone to use
Cupid aims, may your hemorrhoids get hit!



*Maker’s Mark is expensive whiskey
Entry for Sidney~Lee Ann’s valentine to an ex-lover contest
Written January 17, 2012


Poem Details | by JAN ALLISON |
Categories: humorous,

SHE'S WET

When she gives a cough or a sneeze Some wee trickles down past her knees Her knickers are damp She smells like a tramp Dashing home so nobody sees TITLE INSPIRED FROM A COMMENT BY ARTHUR VASO 28th March 2015


Poem Details | by Carolyn Devonshire |
Categories: funny

Giggles for Age Hiders

Deceptive Griselda is not so fair
She conceals her real age, will not declare
     On the Net she croons love’s tunes
     To make all the young men swoon
A fantasyland like hers is so rare
 
The secrets that she always locks within
Mysterious as the Shroud of Turin
     ‘Twould be easier to gauge
     The much-debated shroud’s age
Than guess the date of photos she's seen in

Wherever she goes, she carries laptops
Sexy blog posts from nursing home rooftops
     Delusional minds deceive
     Some catch on, some still believe
But at 87; her figure’s flopped


Entry for Tracie's contest


Poem Details | by RALPH TAYLOR |
Categories: happiness, love, wife

Bonny Scotland

My tour made me really content
I was pleased with where I was being sent
        The Air Force said go
        I couldn't say no
so over to Scotland I went.

The tour could not have been better
I knew SHE was the one when I met her
        It really was strange
        How my whole life would change
cause I knew I would never forget her.

My time in Scotland I'll never forget
I've never been to a nicer place yet
        I bought home a wife
        she's the love of my life
so to Scotland I owe a great debt.


Poem Details | by JAN ALLISON |
Categories: body, humorous,

YEUK UPDATED - COLLABORATION WITH ROB BETTRIDGE

My sister Susie loved picking her nose To her chagrin her little finger froze It was stuck so far Doc used a crowbar Finger up nose - not a ladylike pose! Our Mother, in a fit of Pique At Susie's antics with her Beak Said, "Right my girl" And in a whirl Grounded Susie for a Week Resenting her fate, in bed Rebellion sparked inside her head When all were asleep She'd dress and creep Though the window and escape instead A branch near her window hung Which to its foliage she clung The branch was weak And with a shriek She fell into a pile of Dung The house woke up only to find Poor Susie in a dreadful Bind She looked quite a mess In her state of distress That our Mother went out of her mind "A School for young Ladies, I'll choose" One, her wildness, I hope will defuse And instil, at a pace, Deportment and Grace To refine the coarse ways of our Suz' Packed off to be 'Finished' she went Determined to never repent Despite all opinions It's just like 'St Trinians' And for Susie, was quite an event Susie boarded at ‘Saint Eloise’ It was there she got covered in fleas Once she dived in a ditch To be rid of that itch Oh, you should see the state of her knees! When in the first deportment class Poor Susie fell straight on her ‘ass’ When she exposed her behind The other girls were unkind So Susie began passing gas They had to open the windows and doors Crawl about and move on all fours To get rid of the smell That came straight from hell Staff told ‘Susie’ no more encores! Her Classmates all thought it a Hoot When she lit the gas that she'd shoot She then vented a Storm That Blew up her Dorm Which got our poor Susie the Boot She believed she should never have gone From the ones she depended upon With her Mission, complete (And a Cork placed, discreet) Susie's Home where she'll always belong. 20th January 2016 Collaboration J Allison and R Bettridge


Poem Details | by cheryl hoffman |
Categories: food, technology, time,

Fast Food Kitchen

When at home its often fast food I crave,
might even be leftovers that I saved,
always in a race,
open and shut case,
thank God for my nuke everything microwave!






12-20-16




Poem Details | by Eve Roper |
Categories: fun, funny,

She's Wet VII Continued

She's Wet VII Continued

When she gives a cough or a sneeze 
Some wee trickles down past her knees 
Her knickers are damp 
She smells like a tramp 
Dashing home so nobody sees 

Written by Jan 
Inspired by Arthur 
Continued by Mystic Rose

 She does a little peepee in the bowl
 Voiding her bladder is her only goal 
Then out comes a fart 
Fresh and a la carte
 Followed by a turd down the hole!

 Continued by Sey

 A sigh of relief she wipes her red rear
 as the monstrous turd starts to disappear
 much to her surprise
 it has too much size 
and shoots out and hits her left ear 

Continued by Steve

 Dear lady of the house please don't send me to hell
 I know it would get rid of that awful smell 
But I have an idea for some fantastic cons
I will be a banker in stocks and bonds
And should I fail and the flush you administer
I will pop out downstream and become a Prime Minister




 Continued by Nonsense Alley 

Get antibacterial Wet -Ones!
Use plenty for cleaning those soiled buns
Got turd in the ear?
Please! Have little fear.
Buy Wet-Ones for poop- ear ala runs

Continued by Kimberly 

Good gracious this lim'ricks a foul one!
With peepee, a fart and a brown one 
Now all has been voided 
Smell can't be avoided
So snap on that clothes pin for more fun!

Continued by Eve

Oh! Dear! I guess I am going to have to get some
 Depends  custom 
 made,this is just happening too often  
 and I’m losing too many of my good chosen
underwear in the garbage can at Wal-mart and spending a fortune


Poem Details | by JAN ALLISON |
Categories: birthday, friendship, humorous,

I 'EAR' DANIEL TURNER HAS A BIRTHDAY TODAY

A most charming poet named Dan Writes poems whenever he can He is sixty today So I’m writing to say Happy birthday from your friend Jan xxxxxxx An unfortunate poet named Daniel His huge ears made him look like a spaniel They dangled down so low Past his knees to his toe The plastic surgeon re-wrote the manual! The surgeon who was in charge He had never seen ears so large With a nip and a tuck Daniel was in good luck Dashing home to show his wife Marge POEMS POSTED WITH PERMISSION OF DANIEL TURNER 13th August 2016


Poem Details | by Duke Beaufort |
Categories: song,

life with Trump V, VI, VII, VIII

Author's Note: Recite the following using the rhythm and melody of "Home, home on the range where the deer and the antelope play." The first verse can be used as the refrain:

His income tax structure is strange
Donald will the needy shortchange
The overly rich 
Claim their life is a bitch
For them he’ll find bucks on the range 

A clear planet earth never smokes 
But Trump’s cohorts grim are the Kochs
Where fossils remain
They'll tear into the plain
Fracking rigs are their dirty jokes 

There's fat upon Miss USA
The Donald says queen you shall pay!
"For my regal job"
She did painfully sob
"Is rehab a roll in the hay?"

Like buffalo once were so vast 
Our middle class was unsurpassed
Now they are the prey
While republicans play
And deny the climate forecast


Poem Details | by JAN ALLISON |
Categories: animal, giggle, humorous, silly,

CROSSING THE TOAD - NEW COLLABORATION

Theme for collaboration suggested by Tim Smith Two enormous old toads crossed the road On Tom’s back lounged Thomasina toad Both are ugly and warty Thomasina’s so naughty As her bowels on his back she’d download 06-16-17 WRITTEN BY JAN ALLISON When Thomasina toad dumped on old Tom He thought her poop explosion was a bomb He hopped in the air gave her a mean stare shouting, "I'm not taking you home to Mom!" WRITTEN BY LIN LANE Ribbit rubbit robbit 'n ro this crazy toad has got to go She's turning quite mean - Fifty shades of green No time to chat but still does crow WRITTEN BY TIM SMITH "Why don't we do it in the road?" Said Thomas, the old horny toad Thomasina hissed, "Get a load of this!" and a "blessing" on him bestowed WRITTEN BY LIM'RIK FLATS Thomasina was on a road trip Her taxi was Tom's back she'd grip But she strained as she held And her bottom expelled So she said "I've just left you a tip" WRITTEN BY RAY GRIDLEY Tom and Thomasina were the perfect pair They were ancient toads without a care He had a huge wart She gives a mean fart Anyone in her vicinity better beware! WRITTEN BY ALEXIS Y Now Tom was an over achiever He wanted the lady, not leave her He sprayed his back with Scotch-Guard and rubbed down with lots of lard the dumper was now the receiver WRITTEN BY DALE GREGORY COZART Tom gave Thomasina the boot Got sick from the smell of her poot told her to get lost right after he tossed She gave him the one finger salute WRITTEN BY DANIEL TURNER Thomas and Thomasina loved to hear the waterboatmen rubbing their gear Thomas tried and started to croak causing Thomasina to choke you two will never get it right I fear WRITTEN BY SEREN ROBERTS When T'sina hopped on for a ride Old Thomas reminded his bride, "Though you're my sweet dish, on the road we'll get squished", "Just do it!" was her terse reply. WRITTEN BY CRAIG CORNISH Thomasina and Tom a heavy load Lingered a little too long on the road He could have kissed her all night shocked at the oncoming lights Croak and ribbit was heard; two flattened toads WRITTEN BY EVE ROPER PLEASE SOUP MAIL ME ANY SUBMISSIONS FOR THE COLLABORATION 06-16-17


Poem Details | by Tom Cunningham |
Categories: flying, moon, space,

Marooned

There was a young man from Rangoon
Who built a rocket and flew to the moon
But His rocket booster failed
Now i'm stuck here he wailed
He wont be coming home anytime soon.






Written 10th April 2018
For limerick contest sponsored by Viv Wigley.


Poem Details | by Wendy Watson |
Categories: funny, moon, success,

Celebrity Limerick

Pipped to the post!

Neil Armstrong shot off to the moon
Strapped into a cosmic cocoon.
He came to renown
When one foot went down
Ahead of poor Buzz -what a boon!


But as they returned to home base,
Buzz had a big smile on his face.
For there on the sea
Of tranquility
He'd aced the first 'selfie' in space!



21/08/18


celebrity limerick contest entry

Sponsored by: Tania Kitchin


Poem Details | by Robert L. Hinshaw |
Categories: baseball, humorous,

Batter Up

He stepped to the plate and spit on his han's.

   He spit doffing his cap to cheering fans.

      Gave his privates a scratch

         Spit another huge batch,

            Then knocked a home run clean outta the stan's! 

Robert LHinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
(c) 2015 All Rights Reserved

Entry for Debbie Guzzi's "Batter Up" Contest


Poem Details | by Shadow Hamilton |
Categories: fishing,

Dank Pants

A fisherman sat with line all lank
perched on crooked stool that soon sank
backside now all mud covered
his face an embarrassed red
off home he went with his pants all dank.

11/13/2014

contest: limericks clean and clever


Poem Details | by Vince Suzadail Jr. |
Categories: funny,

BEER

A glass of milk is something I fear
Please do not pour me a glass my dear
You'll be mad as a skunk
When I'm coming home drunk
But to tell you the truth I like beer.


Poem Details | by john freeman |
Categories: love,

Soup drama

Last week featured poetic Drama Like living at home with your momma Poetic, inspiration Perhaps taken vacation So watch your P’s, your Q’s and comma Jack’s Sprat had the nastiest critic Mary said, “You just better quit it!” Jack said, “I may as well split!” Mary’s mad enough to spit Soup is family, don’t you get it!!!! So be kind to your critics Often times they don’t get it Write loving features Appease mad creatures Write of love or forget it ++++++++++++++++++++ For and in honor of Carol Brown And contest: Write it for yourself


Poem Details | by Owen Yeates |
Categories: animal, funny, car, me,

The Vet

Heard them say that I’m off to the vet
It’s for my annual booster you bet
He is fetching the lead
Here he comes yes indeed
And into the car I do get

I do not like the car very much
Travel sickness I get just a touch
If they take me to far
I’ll be sick in this car
But I just can’t help it as such

We arrive at the vets safe and sound
I drag slowly for this I have found
It’s a waste of time 
Going to the vets is a crime
I’d rather be back in the pound

Now there putting me on the scale
The nurse says I’m as fat as a whale
This is no fun
I just want to run
But alas I must sit on my tail

At last I’m led into that room
I know that it not for a groom
They lift me on the table
For to climb I’m not able
At last I fear it is doom

The vet has moved round behind
That thermometer looks none to kind
He says it won’t hurt
In a manner that’s curt
Now the thermometer they cannot find

Next it’s the jab in the neck
I could bite him but what the heck
It’s all over now
It’s much worse for a cow
As I leave the surgery I wreck

Then just as I’m off to the door
I hear the vet say one thing more
He needs more exercise
To decrease his size
To hell with that that’s for sure

So back in the car to go home
I feel my mouth starting to foam
Then I’m sick on the floor
Someone open the door
In this car I just hate to roam

Now free of the car I need the loo
The fresh green grass will do
As I open my bowel 
The smell is quite fowl
The thermometers there in my pooh

So home again I will take to my chair
Relax and unwind as is fair
Too much stress for today
Just want to sleep and lay
For the exercise I just do not care

So my trip to the vet I’ve relayed
My owner took me and has paid
So leave me in peace
All wrapped up in my fleece
For my sleep has to long been delayed


Poem Details | by John Smith |
Categories: mother,

There was an Old Woman Who Lived in a Shoe


The old woman in the shoe scandal 
who had those kids, too much to handle 
Now that they are full grown
and she is home alone, 
she'll down-size to a sandal.


Poem Details | by mike dailey |
Categories: husband, on work and

New Househusband


This househusband washing his pants
In pockets he must at least glance
If there’s money involved
It might get dissolved
And ruin his future finance

I thought working from home was a snap
And I’d even have time for a nap
But she makes me do chores
Like the laundry and floors
Now this working from home is all crap

Do we post this on Poetry Soup
Let your poetry pals in on the poop
That you street cred’s been stripped
That you’re now “kitty” whipped
And you’ve joined a househusband group

Mdailey	11/10/11

I wrote this for Joe Flach and he even gave me permission to post this saying he did not think his reputation could get any more damaged that it already is.


Poem Details | by Paul Schneiter |
Categories: humor,

Burnout

There was an electrician from Nashes
Who worked in darts and dashes.
One day especially rushed
Against 240 volts he brushed.
Now Nashes is home to his ashes.



Poem Details | by Andrea Dietrich |
Categories: death, friendship,

New Friends - collaboration

I've been getting to know really well
my new friend with so much to tell.
We've got similar work
and we share the same quirk:
Our sore bodies are giving us hell!

by Andrea Dietrich

For her friendship I'm in her debt.
Though I like Soup, it's not home yet.
So with her kind words
I feel like I'm heard
And not a nobody poet

by Susan Burch



Poem Details | by William Kershaw |
Categories: sportsme, me,

Olympic Drinking

O' me favorite sport must be drinkin.'
That's the way that God made me I'm thinkin.'
For it seems without fail,
If I start quaffin' ale,
That the landlord will send me home stinkin.'


Poem Details | by Brigitte Pace |
Categories: adventure, children, dog, kids,

A beach within my reach

I am a basset hound and I love to play
I can run and jump all day
I really love magic and tricks
I also love chocolate bics
Yummy! They are so good 
I would eat a packet a day if I could
My name is Lady and here is a story all about me
I'm a funny looking dog you see:


Lady was home alone
All she had was her green plastic bone
Her owners had gone out for the day
And Lady really wanted   to play
Miserable, she lay on the ground with her long floppy ears
With watery eyes, it seemed as though she was about to burst into tears
Suddenly she perked up when she heard a squeaking sound coming from the house
Lady became excited, she hoped it was a mouse
She barked out loud and ran towards the sound
Lady was such a clever basset hound
With her long nose, she sniffed out the little mouse in his hiding place
The whole morning turned into a playful ‘dog and mouse’ chase!
The mouse was too fast for her and escaped through a small crack in the wall
He was terrified of this funny looking dog who stood two feet tall
Exhausted, Lady flopped down in her basket to rest
She had tried her very, very best
She closed her eyes and had a long nap
And dreamt that she managed to squeeze through the scary dog flap
When Lady woke up, her throat felt dry
She needed a gallon of water to drink and she alone knew why!
The sun was shining and it was hot
She found her bowl and gulped down the lot
Lady looked at the new dog flap
She lifted up one of her paws and gave it a sharp tap
She took a chance and pushed herself through the gap
Relief flooded through her, she had made it out of the flap
Out in the sun
It was time for more fun
Lady headed to the beach
It wasn’t far, within her reach
Calm blue sea with the tiniest of waves
Grottos and amazing caves
Lady’s paw marks were all over the sand
She loved to play by the sea and on land
Cool air blew around her as she splashed around in the sea
What a great feeling it was to be free!
The aroma of food was all around
She was always hungry, this hilarious hound
An ice-cream van was parked nearby
Lady drooled and just stood by
A young couple spotted the little dog sitting down on her own
Her sad brown eyes caught their attention, they each bought her a cone
Lady wished that she could shout
She clenched both cones in her mouth
She licked off the chocolate ice-cream and wolfed down the rest


Poem Details | by Gbenga Onalaja |
Categories: funny, life, satire

THE SLOTH

His life is an Epic story in a tragic playlet 
He is the one person who opens wares an hour after the market 
He comes to town a day after the fair 
Running back home with the aim of catching a wild breed Hare

He "holds hard" after the shot has left the gun 
He locks the stable after the herd is all gone 
He won't die, though he is of no use alive 
His life, like that of a typical dreamer who carries water in a sieve 

He is MrEverything married to MrsNothing 
They are born to rest and they are living to sleep 
Both of them, a typical breed of StJudas
They cover their well after their children are drowned and left in the deep

They are always busy ploughing the air when their field is waist high in weed
Busy! They are at the old farm 
Bringing up buckets of water
After the last pillar of thier house is burnt down 
Still, they realize not that they are a living corpse.


Poem Details | by Andrew Crisci |
Categories: loss, sports

THE DISAPPOINTED BASEBALL PLAYER

Not all my hits are home runs,
many of them miss the bat;
specators respond with boos...
right there I expect to lose,
and getting angry, I toss my cap.


Poem Details | by RAJAT KANTI CHAKRABARTY |
Categories: appreciation, food, fun, international,

FOOD FOR LIFE


                    We two Indians went to the hotel Storartad Sweden
                   And ate lots of Munkers , Æbleskiver and Poffertjespan
                      Coming back home we landed well on a chapatti
                           Kuzhi paniyaram Daal Sabji Bhaji and Roti
                And a Japanese Takoyaki   all they are love cuisines man


Poem Details | by linda milgate |
Categories: life

Divorce memories

Morning bed
Sheets tightly tucked
One pillow crumpled

There once was a gal named Linda
Oh the marriages she did get inta
Try as they would to be as they should
They never could even begin ta  


Wanting a home intensely  evolved into creations of delusion
Life broke through, one let go, in freedom lay the solution




For the Divorce Club Contest


Poem Details | by john williams |
Categories: children, humorous,

Snail

Each morning without fail,
I see my little,brown-shelled snail,
Plodding along with his home on his back,
Leaving a long, tiny, silver track,
I think he likes blazing a trail.


Poem Details | by RAJAT KANTI CHAKRABARTY |
Categories: nonsense,

SLAM HAD A SLIMSIM

                                            SLAM HAD A SLIMSIM

                                 Slam had a slimsim  padded with glimtim
                                   Went to Siberistan with plonkplinkplim
                                         He straddled paddled raddled
                                          Haddled maddled and addled
                               Went back home with a question "atha kim?"















atha kim? = now, what? (Sanskrit)

© RAJAT KANTI CHAKRABARTY
16 October, 2014   16:05:00 IST


Poem Details | by Viv Wigley |
Categories: humor, men,

Men only 2- for contest


A men only poem, well I never-
that is something odd, for a start
submissions from men
who pick noses and then
will polish it off with a fart.

We undress like drunken mime artists
look like we get dressed in the dark
steer cars like we're swimmin'
and then complain women
do not have a clue how to park.

Our cooking skills are just amazing
we're known for our barbecue fame
coz we somehow have learnt
just which food has been burnt
when it's black it all looks just the same

Our acting is worthy of Oscars
or any such Thespian cup
stagger home fully juiced
with some drunken excuse
but we still avoid getting beat up

In beachwear we are an Adonis
our styling choices are quite bold
from speedos so weeny
to full on Mankinis
...it's small coz the water's too cold....

The world would be worse off without us
devoid of intelligent life
there's nothing to rival
our power of survival
except for the girlfriend.
Or wife.
She told me to put that bit in.
Yes, dear.
I'll be right there.

Submitted with my missus' grudging permission for contest 'Men only #2,
sponsored by Kelly Deschler
July 16th 2015


Poem Details | by john williams |
Categories: humorous,

Music Is Alive

A musician resting in a spar,
Was playing his electric guitar,
An almighty spark
Plunged his home into dark,
He was left with a musical scar.


Poem Details | by Lu Loo |
Categories: animal, pets, silly,

Animal Antics

One ticket admission to my home z o o! SO many creatures, don’t know what to do- a turtle and a bunny, a stinky pug so funny, a Golden Retriever who lost a s c r e w! The bunny likes smelling the dog’s behinds, too bad he will NEVER know what he’ll find! a grossly dingle-berry, something hairy and scary, “GO find a carrot you’re way out of line!” The pug snuffles and snorts through out the night, then I’m yawning while I’m struggling to write- the turtle has a long neck, I’m always like, “WHAT THE HECK?” then he basks while choking on a termite! You may think my family is distressed, and maybe we NEVER get any rest- a million bucks I won’t take, we have a bond that WON'T break, we do love our z o o that’s quite picturesque! Syllable Count: 10-10-7-7-10 Animal Antics Contest Sponsor: Shadow Hamilton Dedicated to my beautiful zoo: Bo-my sweet Golden Retriever age 11 (dying of cancer :(....) Mugsy-my stinky Pug age 12 Lucky-my white fluffy bunny age 3 Pebbles-my long-necked turtle age 2 Date Written: August 18, 2016


Poem Details | by Sara Kendrick |
Categories: funny, sin, work,

A Halo

There was once was a lady from town
Who wore a halo like a crown
Told her daughter-in-law
Dresses should wear like squaw
Wore one to work and naked frowned

The loom grabbed her dress and wham bam
Naked from the waist down~life in jam
Supervisor gave coat
Took her home and I quote
"I put my blue jeans on grand slam"

My mother was a very stern believer that women should wear dresses..
My brother married late in life and his wife worked in the weaving department..
She did a job called filling batteries..She had to walk between the looms to do
her job..They had suggested to the women that they should wear tight fitting 
pants or blue jeans..To please my mother she made her a new dress and wore 
it to work..First thing, it got caught..It ripped it and her slip off..She was left 
standing naked.

  

Sponsor: Black Eyed Susan
Contest: Any New Limerick


Poem Details | by Carolyn Devonshire |
Categories: humor,

Adventures of the Wee Three

They drank too much at a watering hole
Three gals lost their wits, went out of control
     Men ogled and flirted
     Desires so perverted
The girls checked out before meeting each troll

But three liters of wine quickly passed through
So their journey home went a bit askew
     Their kidneys had been filled
     An urgency instilled
They needed release, but there was no loo

As they coasted up the seaside highway
All three were suffering in much dismay
     They had to park the car
     Alongside a “wet bar”
On a rock jetty the trio did stray

They complained how easy it was for men
Jan wished she was a rooster, not a hen
     With their backs to the sea
     Pants down, they took a pee
Before they got home, they did it again




* Based on a college experience and written May 11, 2014


Poem Details | by Nyonglema Pisoh |
Categories: africa, hate, history, home,

The Grass is Greener

We’re not called upon to choose anything we live through;
Neither parent nor sibling nor school nor form of sinew;
Neither colour of hair or eye or skin,
Nor love or hate, nor loss or gain
Nor opportunities nor whence we comeSo much is true.

But as much as this truth I hold as true as sunlight,
I know that painful times will time to time alight
When with bitter phlegm you curse
The earth where you breathed first
And wish your day of birth were scratched by He with might.

I knowSame feelings have plagued my adult soul
And the wish for better home to make each day whole
Has been dashed by shameful news,
Where Hope, seeing Hitler, and 94’s Hutus,
Needs to hide its youth to stall the death toll.

But amidst pain, hate and bottled despair rife
There’s the rare love, innocent and hardly grasping to life.
For here, we can give our all
When we choose to keep you from a fall.
We really do it: humble, loving…just like the Lord’s life.

Yes, it’s easier to perceive the weeds in one’s garden
For the pastures beyond gleam in our myopia, hiding their burden.
And seeing that weed can cast a shadow
On all that’s sweet, but cause much ado
About the bitter parts, and it day by day your heart will harden.

Think of the evening breeze on the night grill,
Feeding the flames of a delicious family fish meal.
Think of hitting the unadulterated
Lands of hills where ancient rivers percolated
And happy goats skip, and cattle graze and one can feel

Life whizzing through rustling leaves of dancing old tree or reed,
Playing the music our ancestors learned to read,
Making your lungs touch their purpose,
Dazzling your eyes like a Jabbawockeez pose,
The music we’ve forgotten as we focus on some RSS feed.

Think of the youths wise with tradition re-enacting solemnly
The dances and music handed down from before when Ptolemy
Phrased ancient philosophical data,
To the time of the expansive empire of Sundiatta
Beads stomping the dust frantically in musical poetry.

Picture the pure darkness which crowds the silent night air,
Unveiling the marvellous dotted and scattered there
In the moonlit heavenly canvas,
Watching us from light years past,
And we fascinated by the sparkling magic they share.

So to sum it all up, I know it cannot be perfect,
And sometimes I rant and make massive graffiti of its defects,
But this home my parents chose
Still draws my spirit close,
For the bond is deeper, far deeper than human senses can detect.

(c) Nyonglema


Poem Details | by JAN ALLISON |
Categories: clothes, humorous,

BORED IN MANHATTAN NFC

A young broad was bored in Manhattan So got dressed in outrageous fashion She looked so out of place Wearing satin and lace When a cop shocked her with his baton The cop was amazed by her attire Many men were filled with desire She was such an arresting sight That much to her delight He took her home to warm up by the fire 6th December 2015


Poem Details | by kasim ishmael |
Categories: friendship, life, love, home,

Umbrella

I had a great job
I had a pretty girl
I was moving up 
Slowly in this world

Had a good position
In the factory
And was working 
For a very good salary

Then comes the war
And things got tough
They close the factory
And at home it got rough

I thought that her love
Was my umbrella 
And when there’s bad weather 
In her arms I would shelter

And umbrella can do a lot
When you are in the rain
It can keep you dry
Until the sun comes out again

For me it seems like hard times
Had just began to pour 
And my pretty umbrella 
Had holes I never seen before

The fancy dinners we had
Now become burger king
And I guess she never love me
Just the gifts I would bring

And I brought home a pizza
And she didn’t take a slice
And when I try to hug her
Her arms were cold as ice

One day she went out
And she never came back
And when I look in the closet
She took every last rack

But what can I do
Sure I’m not the only one
Who lost their job?
And their woman was gone

Always know I had an umbrella
Now I don’t know what to say
When comes the rain
She just up an flew away

But I know the time will change
And so will the weather
And one day there will be some one
Who wants me to be their umbrella?


Poem Details | by faleshia murphy |
Categories: funny

GOING TO SCHOOL

My little one is going to school
The joy on his face and mine is so cool
His first day is monday
I hope he will be okay
While I'm at home acting a fool


Poem Details | by Sharon Tideswell |
Categories: funny

Pear and Fresh Air

My hubby came home with a grin
Said “I’ve booked us a trip to Turin”
I found my bikini
it looked oh so teeny
now I’m fasting to fit myself in

I cut out the chocolate and cake
well apart from one tiny mistake
on my diet of pear
gently poached in fresh air
I should soon be as thin as a rake

But my efforts were sadly in vain
My wobbly bits were for stayin
They just wouldn’t budge
So I brought out the fudge
ate it all, now I’m praying for rain


Poem Details | by Terry Burns |
Categories: humorous,

While you were out

While you were out I started to think.
I thought so hard that it drove me to drink.
I drank so much that I fell on the floor 
And when I got up I fell through the door
I rolled off the porch and into the grass
And onto a nail that stuck in my ass.
I screamed in horror as I ran for the house 
And as I ran in I tripped on a mouse.
As I was flying all up in the air 
I landed atop my wife’s favorite chair.
The chair was now broken and fell to the floor 
at the same moment that she walked through the door
When I woke up I was outside my home 
and staring right into the face of a gnome.
So if you ever sit down to think 
don’t ever let it drive you to drink.


Poem Details | by Gary Bovett |
Categories: humorous,

Zoommm

Decided I'd buy a new car
With some money I got from my Ma
So I found an MG
(always wanted one, see)
Now have to drive home from afar


Poem Details | by Duke Beaufort |
Categories: culture, drink, science, wisdom,

common sense corona

Light ribbons in one eye we fear  
Precede headache pain that's severe
Drug firms clearly bribe
Physicians to prescribe
Migraine meds but I'll imbibe beer


Authors Note: If you are in a safe place (not driving or operating machinery), this home remedy could be better than what the doctor ordered I keep a few medicinal bottles ready in the fridge for just such an emergency Lime is optional.

The clinical trial: An authentic "migraine" headache is accompanied by blood vessel constrictionThere can be 15 to 30 minutes of shimmering lights in one eye followed by a headache from hell Having learned that alcohol dilates blood vessels, one day I tried chugging a beer just after the shimmering started The lights subsided and there was no headache Beer just may be the second best medicine ever created 


Poem Details | by Tom Wright |
Categories: humorous,

That's No Bull

 
That’s No Bull By Tom Wright There once was a man from the grange, Who felt right at home on the range? The doggies kept growing, And cash flow kept flowing. Now he’s listed on a stock exchange


Poem Details | by Eve Roper |
Categories: humorous,

My First Blind Date


My first love was a blind date
A little nerves and I couldn’t wait
Put on my makeup and poked
my eye and I cried and choked
I soaked and was very Irate


I rushed to open the door			
Caught my toe on the carpet on the floor		
Did he think this was unwise?					
With the thump, crash, and cries		
Surprise, I didn’t break the decor	
 
He took me to a gorgeous restaurant
Flowers on the table with sweet fragrant
I start sneezing,   
and hacking
I’m scolded for my etiquette and ailment

 
Takes me home with apologies,  he
With a kind word he tries to kiss me
I sneeze in his face
While he tries to embrace
I guess you're allergic to me

   © Eve Roper 4/25/2015

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Limerick Contest
Sponsor: Jan Allison


Poem Details | by JAN ALLISON |
Categories: humorous, school,

BE QUIET - FOR CONTEST

Please be quiet! Our class teacher said Pupils giggled, my face flushed bright red I was so broken hearted I’d just let rip and farted That I ran out the classroom and fled The teacher followed me down the hall Said please don’t be embarrassed at all … At home that happens to me I blame my pet dog you see Great idea miss… I’ll give dad a call I rang him saying dad can we talk Told him my story – he soon did baulk Think of the costly vets fees It’ll be covered with fleas His solution …I’ll buy you a cork! Time to B Contest – Sponsor Casarah Nance ~07~24~15