You are scissors, and all you can do
is to cut all those paper hearts through.
But I’ve hardened my heart
and before you can start
to destroy me, I’m going to SMASH you!
(Gosh, PD, they won't even permit the ~sign in the title!)
Meg has two old battered beer keg legs
that don't look to hold much more than dregs
But when Greg comes along
she begs; "Please, please, belong
to me I still gotta lotta eggs.”
*Written at Elizabeth Wesley's request.
In a horrible dull monotone
Bobby spoke, and his girlfriend would moan,
“No kisses from me,
dear Bobby McGee
till you first kiss the old Blarney Stone.”
Written March 15, 2017 for
Kim Merryman's Luck of the Irish Limerick Contest
An impotent circus clown called Billy
Tied balloons to the end of his willy
To his great surprise
His todger did rise
But his girlfriend just thought he looked silly!
I still haven't found my Miss Right;
the girl with the cat was a fright:
she farted all day
and stank of decay,
then played with her pussy all night...
for the Baggage contest
“Your undies I see,” joked Wong Ling
as his girlfriend swang high on a swing.
Suzie laughed and she laughed,
saying, “You are so daft,
‘cause down there I’m not wearing a thing!”
Dec30, 2018 for the 'Bawdy Limerick ' Poetry Contest of Tania Kitchin
Ted Smith was a very tall guy
His girlfriend, a mere four feet high.
But love went astray,
Ted called it a day;
They just couldn't see eye to eye!
'Humorous Limerick Poetry Contest' : sponsored by Tania Kitchin
There once was a farmer called Seamus,
who had an incompetant anus.
When out on a date with girlfriend Kate,
he blamed his dog when he farted,
to prevent her being startled.
An old man bought her gems and he smiled,
Knowing where they would be in a while...
Sex with a young beauty,
Great legs, boobs and booty.
If he died, he'd be going in style.
~69~ /zodiac sign/
There once was a hermit crab named Nate
Who enjoyed the solitude of his hate
Meeting a lovely lady
A sexy Texan, name P.D.
Finding true hate, trying to online date
(Zodiac Sign Contest)
I was with my girlfriend at dinner
With each bite she took, she got thinner
Until she was just skin and bone
I blinked twice and I was alone
I then woke up, lying next to her
My girlfriend's name is Marsha Mellow
And I am quite a lucky fellow.
But dear reader don't be hasty
It's not because her lips are tasty,
For she's the orchestra's third cello.
If your love life's a beach with no sun,
here's some dating advice 1 0 1.
Don't be boring or stern -
Pay attention and learn
this one thing: Girls just wanna have fun!
WRitten July 1, 2015 for the Triple Threat Poetry Contest of Casarah Nance
I’m sorry, “He cried!” But everyone knows,
how horribly comical ego goes.
No less in a public place,
driving car in girlfriend chase,
Seinfeld picked that nose in one of his shows!!
For and in honor of Barbara Gorelick and contest
The spring in my pants was so dandy.
She wanted to suck it like candy.
When she closed her eyes.
I gave my surprise.
Never saw a girl quite that handy!
For Francine Roberts "Wow me in 5 lines" contest
Last night you texted, "Honey, it’s the end"
But I will not cry…my heart will soon mend
‘Cuz I’ve got so many calls
Unlike you, from guys with balls
And tonight, those balls are of your best friend
There once was a blonde bar room shooter,
Who would travel around town on a scooter?
She was real slick,
At chalking a stick,
But she couldn’t best her boyfriend “Cooter”.
I knew of a guy called Dickey
Whose life became rather tricky
When he kissed the girls
They left pretty burls
Never showing us his hidden hickeys
Love lived in the hearts of Him and Her,
But distance shrouded fear over Her
And to punish Her reluctance
He gave another girl a chance
And she brought triplets nine months later.
A man found himself in a pickle
When his girlfriend found he was fickle
He said "won't you stay"
She said "there's no way"
As she took his head off with a sickle.
Josette Key 2010
This Pole Dancer she was with me
All other men must pay her fee
Still I must confess
My family’s stress
But Polish dance lessons aren’t free
On Mars it's a man you will see.
On Venus a lady will be.
But what's so amazing,
Will make all your heads ring.
They both get together with glee!
My girl loves to lie in the nude
For one thing she sure ain't a prude
She's so naked to bare
And just doesn't care
But all the other guys eyes are so glued
Just out of college, we would yearn for a touch
Sleeping together cuddled on the couch
Those were the days!
Of pre-wedding bouquets
Now I am told to go sleep alone on the couch
I once had a satanic phone,
When anyone called, it would groan.
It made up a lie,
Told my girlfriend Di:
‘He’s out…giving the dog a bone.’ *
*Slang for sex